Erik McClure

This story began with me getting pissed off at Windows for reasons that don’t really need to be articulated. Just, pick your favorite reason to hate Windows, and let’s pretend that was the tipping point. I had some spare space on my secondary drive, so I decided to give Linux another whirl. After all, it had been three or four years since I last attempted anything like this (it’s been so long I don’t rightly remember the last time I tried), and people have been saying that Linux has gotten a lot better recently!

The primary reason I was attempting this is because of Valve’s attempts to move to linux, which have directly resulted in much better nVidia driver support. Trying to install proper nVidia drivers is the thing that wrecked my last attempt. This time, I figured, I could just install the nVidia drivers straight from the repo and everything would be hunky dory, and I could just spend the rest of my time beating on the rest of linux with a comically oversized wrench until it did what I wanted.

I’d had good experiences with XFCE and Fedora on my Linux VM, but I didn’t really like Fedora itself (but it interfaced very well with my VM environment). I wanted to install Ubuntu, because it has the best support and I don’t like trying to dig through arcane forum posts trying to figure out why my computer screen has suddenly turned into an invisible pink unicorn. Unfortunately, Ubuntu is a bloated mess, and I hate it’s default desktop environment. In the past, I had tried Linux Mint, which had been okay, but support had been shaky. I spotted Lubuntu, which is supposed to be a lightweight ubuntu on top of LXDE, a minimal window manager similar to XFCE. This was perfect! So I downloaded Lubuntu 15.04 and installed it on my secondary drive and everything was nice and peachy.

Well, until Linux started, anyway. The first problem was that the package manager in pretty much every linux distro lists all the packages, including all the ones I don’t understand. I was trying to remove some pre-included Paint application and it had two separate packages, one named after itself, and one named <name>-common, but the common package wasn’t automatically removed when the program was! The nVidia packages also had both an nvidia-drivers-340^[1] package, and an nvidia-drivers-340-update package, both of which had identical descriptions. I just went with the most basic one because it seemed sensible, but I felt really sorry for someone less tech savvy trying to find anything in that godforsaken list.

So after everything updated and I restarted and told the package manager to start installing my nVidia drivers, I started noticing annoying things about LXDE. A lot of annoying things. Here, let me list them for you:

• The file manager, when unmounting anything, would helpfully close itself.
• Trying to change the time to not display military time involves editing some arcane string whose only value is %r, and I still don’t know what that means and don’t want to know what that means. All I wanted to do was change it to say AM or PM!
• In order to get a shortcut onto the desktop, you had to right-click the menu item and then a new menu would show up that would let you add it to the desktop. You can’t drag anything out of the start menu.
• The shortcuts seemed disturbingly fickle, occasionally taking 4 rapid clicks to get things to start up.
• Steam simply didn’t start at all. Unfortunately, we will never know why.
• Skype managed to spawn a window halfway above the top of the screen, which resulted in me having to look up alt+space in order to rescue it.
• Skype also cut off everything below the baseline of the bottom-most line of text, so you couldn’t tell if something was an i or a j.
• Like in Windows, in Linux, modal dialogs have a really bad habit of sucking up keyboard focus, focusing on a button, and then making my next keystroke click the button. The fact that this is a widespread UI problem across most operating systems is just silly.

There were more nitpicks, but I felt like a large number of these issues could have probably be resolved by switching to a better window manager. I was honestly expecting better than this, though. LXDE was supposed to be like XFCE, but apparently it’s actually XCFE with all it’s redeeming qualities removed. However, it turns out that this doesn’t matter! To discover why, we have to examine what happened next.

My friend suggested to get Linux Mint, which has a better window manager and would probably address most of those issues. So, I downloaded the ISO. I already had a USB set up for booting that had Lubuntu on it, so I wanted to see if I could just extract the contents of the ISO and put them on the USB stick. I have no idea if this would have actually worked or not, and I never got to find out because upon clicking and dragging the contents of the ISO out of the archive manager, with the intent of extracting them, the entire system locked up.

Now, I’m not sure how stupid trying to drag a file out of an ISO was, but I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t render my entire computer unusable. This seems like an unfair punishment. Attempts to recover the desktop utterly failed, as did ctrl-alt-del, alt-F2, alt-anything else, or even trying to open a terminal (my friend would later inform me that it is actually *ctrl-alt-F2* that opens the terminal, but I couldn’t ask him because the entire desktop had locked up!). So I just restarted the machine.

That was the last time I saw my Lubuntu desktop.

Upon restarting my machine, I saw the Lubuntu loading screen come up, and then… nothing. Blackness. About 20 seconds later, an error message pops up: “Soft Lock on CPU#0!”. Then the machine rebooted.

After spending just one hour using linux, it had bricked itself.^[2] I hadn’t even gotten steam working yet, and now it was completely unusable. This is not “getting better”, this is strapping a rocket to your ass and going so fast in the wrong direction you break the sound barrier. Now, if you have been paying attention, you will note that I had just finished installing my nVidia drivers before the desktop locked up, and that the drivers probably wouldn’t actually be used by the desktop environment until the process was restarted. After mounting my linux partition in windows and extracting my log files, I sent them to my friend, who discovered that it had indeed been the nVidia driver that had crashed the system.^[3]

This is problematic for a number of reasons, because those drivers were written for Ubuntu based distros, which means my system could potentially lock up if I installed any other ubuntu based distro, which is… just about all the ones that I cared about. Including Linux Mint. At this point, I had a few options:

1. Install another ubuntu based distro anyway and hope it was a fluke.
2. Install something based on Debian or maybe Fedora.
3. Use the open-source drivers.
4. Fuck this shit.

Unfortunately, I have little patience left at this point, and after seeing Linux first lock up after trying to drag files before bricking itself, I don’t really have much confidence in the reverse-engineered open-source nVidia drivers, and I certainly am not going to entrust my video card to them in the hopes it doesn’t melt. I really, really don’t want to play whack-a-mole with Linux distros, trying to find the magical one that wouldn’t wreck my graphics card, so I have simply opted for option 4.

But it doesn’t end there.

About two or three hours after this all happened (I had been fairly distracted, and by distracted I mean }}blinded by rage), I noticed that my windows clock was way off. At this point, I remembered something my friend had told me about - Linux, like any sane operating system would, sets the hardware clock to UTC and then modifies it based on the timezone. Windows, on the other hand, decided it would be a fantastic idea to set the hardware clock to local time. Of course, this should have been an easy fix. I just set the time back, forced an update, and bam, time was accurate again. Crisis averted, right?

No, of course not. Linux had not yet finished punishing me for foolishly believing I was worthy of installing something of it’s calibre. Because then I opened Skype, and started receiving messages in the past. Or more accurately, my chat logs were now full of messages that had been sent tomorrow.

It was at this point I realized what had happened. It wasn’t that the timezone had been changed, or something reversible like that. The hardware clock itself had been modified to an incorrect value. Skype had spent the past two hours happily sending messages with a timestamp 8 hours in the future because some idiot at Microsoft thought it was a good idea to set the hardware clock to local time, and now all these incorrect client side timestamps had been propagated to the cloud and synced across all my devices.

I slowly got up from my computer. I walked over to my bed, lied down, curled into a ball, and wept for the future of mankind.

"I have the solution, but it only works in the case of a spherical cow in a vacuum." - *[old physics proverb](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spherical_cow)*

For some reason, many programmers seem to struggle with the concept of people being different. They get hung up on this naïve concept of right or wrong, as if life is some kind of mathematical equation that has a closed form solution. Let me say right now that any solution to life is going to be one heck of a chaotic nonlinear PDE, which won’t have any closed form solution at all, and certainly not one using elementary functions. When you are developing software, you must keep in mind the range of customers who will be using your product, whether they are office workers or fellow programmers.

Maybe someone is using your product to try and finish a presentation in time to go home and catch a nap before they get up to work their second job so they can support a wife and a screaming baby. Someone else might use your product to track their progress as they try to revolutionize search from their bedroom instead of study for their finals next week. Someone else might be an elderly man trying to figure out how his vacation is going to go.

We are all different. We arise from all walks of life and are bound together in a great journey on this blue ball hurtling through space. It is not cowardice when two people try to put aside their differences and work together, it is strength. It requires enormous courage to admit that there are no simple answers in life. There are no answers in the back of the textbook. There are many different answers, all different in subtle ways, all suitable for slightly different circumstances, all both right and wrong in their own, strange, quirky ways.

Some programmers seem distressingly incapable of compassion or empathy. Many claim to live through the cold hard logic of data, without apparently realizing that data itself is inherently meaningless. It is only given meaning through a human’s interpretation, and a human can interpret data to mean whatever they want. They seem to think they can solve problems by reducing everyone into neat little collections of numbers that can be easily analyzed. It’s certainly a lot less frustrating to work with real numbers instead of real people, but inevitably, a programmer must come to terms with the fact that life is about human beings, not numbers on a screen.

The cold hard logic of our code is good for speaking to computers—it is not good for speaking to other human beings.

*The only thing more addicting than heroine are numbers that keep getting larger.*

Incrementer and idle games are seemingly simplistic games where you wait or click to increase a counter, then use that counter to buy things to make the counter go up faster. Because of the compounding effects involved, these types of games inevitably turn into a study of growth rates and how different functions interact. Cookie Clicker is perhaps the most well-known, which employs an exponential growth curve for the costs of buildings that looks like this:

Where $$ Cost_0 $$ is the initial cost of the building. Each building, however, has a fixed income, and so the entire game is literally the player trying to purchase upgrades and buildings to fight against an interminable exponential growth curve of the cost function. Almost every single feature added to Cookie Clicker is yet another way to battle the growth rate of the exponential function, delaying the plateauing of the CPS as long as possible. This includes the reset functionality, which grants heavenly chips that yield large CPS bonuses. However, no feature can compensate for the fact that the buildings do not have a sufficient growth rate to keep up with the exponential cost function, so you inevitably wind up in a dead end where it becomes almost impossible to buy anything in a reasonable amount of time regardless of player action.

Pony Clicker is based off Cookie Clicker, but takes a different approach. Instead of having set rates for each building, each building generates a number of smiles based on the number of ponies and friendships that you have, along with other buildings that “synergize” with that building. The more expensive buildings generate more smiles because they have a higher growth rate than the buildings below them. This makes the game extremely difficult to balance, because you only have equations and the cost curves to work with, instead of simply being able to set the per-building SPS. Furthermore, the SPS of a building continues to grow and change over the course of the game, further complicating the balance equation. Unfortunately, in the first version of the game, the growth rate of the end building exceeded the growth rate of the cost function, which resulted in immense end-game instability and all around unhappiness. To address balance problems in pony clicker, rather than simply throwing ideas at the wall and trying to play test them infinitely, I wrote a program that played the game for me. It uses a nearly optimal strategy of buying whatever the most efficient building is in terms of cost per +1 SPS increase. This is not a perfectly optimal strategy, which has to take into account how long the next building will need to take, but it was pretty close to how players tended to play.

Using this, I could analyze a game of pony clicker in terms of what the SPS looked like over time. My first graph was not very promising:

The SPS completely exploded and it was obviously terrible. To help me figure out what was going on, I included a graph of the optimal store purchases and the time until the next optimal purchase. My goal in terms of game experience was that no building would be left behind, and that there shouldn’t be enormous gaps between purchases. I also wanted to make sure that the late game or the early game didn’t take too long to get through.

In addition to this, I created a graph of the estimate SPS generation of each individual building, on a per-friendship basis. This helped compensate for the fact that the SPS changed as the game state itself changed, allowing me to ensure the SPS generation of any one building wasn’t drastically out of whack with the others, and that it increased on a roughly linear scale.

This information was used to balance the game into a much more sane curve:

I then added upgrades to the main graph, and quickly learned that I was giving the player certain upgrades way too fast:

This was used to balance the upgrades and ensure they only gave a significant SPS increase when it was really needed (between expensive buildings, usually). The analysis page itself is available here, so you can look at the current state of pony clicker’s growth curve.

These graphs might not be perfect, but they are incredibly helpful when you are trying to eliminate exponential explosions. If you got a value that spirals out of control, a graph will tell you immediately. It makes it very easy to quickly balance purchase prices, because you can adjust the prices and see how this affects the optimal gameplay curve. Pony Clicker had so many interacting equations it was basically the only way i could come up with a game that was even remotely balanced (although it still needs some work). It’s a great example of how important rapid feedback is when designing something. If you can get immediate feedback on what changing something does, it makes the process of refining something much faster, which lets you do a better job of refining it. It also lets you experiment with things that would otherwise be way too complex to balance by hand.

Are there any programmers left that actually care about writing good software? As far as I can tell, the software development industry has turned into a series of echo chambers where managers scream about new features and shipping software and analyzing feedback from customers. Then they ignore all the feedback and implement whatever new things are supposed to be cool, like flat design, or cloud computing, or software as a service.

The entire modern web is built on top of the worst programming language that’s still remotely popular. It’s so awful that IE now supports asm.js just so we can use other languages instead. With everyone relentlessly misquoting “Premature optimization is the root of all evil”, it’s hard to get programmers to optimize any of their code at all, let alone get them to care about things like CPU caches and why allocation on the heap is slow and how memory locality matters.

Some coders exist at large corporations that simply pile on more and more lines of code and force everyone to use gigantic frameworks built on top of more gigantic frameworks built on top of even more gigantic frameworks and then wonder why everything is so slow. Other coders exist in startups that use Scala/Hadoop/Node.js and care only about pumping out features or fixing bugs. The thing is, all of these companies make a lot of money, which leads me to ask, does anyone actually want good software anymore?

Do customers simply not care? Is everyone ok with Skype randomly not sending messages and trying (poorly) to sync all your messages and randomly deciding that certain actions are always unread on other computers and dropping calls and creating all sorts of other strange and bizarre bugs? Is everyone ok with an antivirus that demands you sign in to a buggy window that keeps losing focus every time you try to type in your password? Is everyone ok with Visual Studio deciding it needs to open a text file and taking 15 seconds to actually start up an entirely new instance even though I already have one running just to display the stupid file?

It seems to me that we’re all so obsessed with making cool stuff, we’ve forgotten how to make stuff that actually works.

Did you know that every single person I know (except for two people) hates flat design? They don’t like it. I don’t like it. There’s a bunch of stuckup, narcissistic designers shoving flat design down everyone’s throats and I hate it. The designers don’t care. They insist that it’s elegant and modern and a bunch of other crap that’s all entirely subjective no matter how hard they try to pretend otherwise. Design is about opinions. If I don’t like your design, you can’t just go and say my opinion is wrong. My opinion isn’t wrong, I just don’t agree with you. There’s a difference.

However, it has become increasingly apparent to me that opinions aren’t allowed in programming. I’m not allowed to say that garbage collectors are bad for high performance software. I’m not allowed to say that pure functional programming isn’t some kind of magical holy grail that will solve all your problems. I’m not allowed to say that flat design is stupid. I’m definitely not allowed to say that I hate Python, because apparently Python is a religion.

Because of this, I am beginning to wonder if I am simply delusional. Apparently I’m the only human being left on planet earth who really, really doesn’t like typing magical bullshit into his linux terminal just to get basic things working instead of having a GUI that wasn’t designed by brain-dead monkeys. Apparently, I’m the only one who is entirely willing to pay money for services instead of having awful, ad-infested online versions powered by JavaScript™ and Node.js™ that fall over every week because someone forgot to cycle the drives in a cloud service 5000 miles away. Apparently, no one can fix the audio sample library industry or the fact that most of my VSTi’s manage to use 20% of my CPU when they aren’t actually doing anything.

Am I simply getting old? Has the software industry left me behind? Does anyone else out there care about these things? Should I throw in the towel and call it quits? Is the future of software development writing terrible monstrosities held together by duct tape? Is this the only way to have a sustainable business?

Is this the world our customers want? Because it sure isn’t what I want.

Unfortunately, writing music doesn’t pay very well.

It’s that time of the year again, when everyone and their pony puts on a sale, except now it seems to have started much earlier than the traditional Black Friday. Needless to say, this is the only time of year I go around buying expensive sample libraries. One of these libraries was recommended by a friend: LA Scoring Strings - First Chair 2, a cheaper version of LA Scoring Strings. It’s $100 off, which is pretty nice, except that the page that describes the product doesn’t actually have a link to buy it. You have to click the STORE link, and then buy it from there, because this is a completely obvious and intuitive interface design (it isn’t).

So, after finding the proper link in the Store and verifying I am actually purchasing what I want to purchase, they give me exactly one payment option: Paypal. This is pretty common, so we’ll let it slide, and the whole process seems to go smoothly until they give me my receipt. On the receipt page, they gave me a link to download the files, and a serial number. How helpful! Until I click the download link, which does not open in a new window, and instead opens a completely different webpage with absolutely no way to get back to the page I was just on, because there is no store page with this information and I have no user account on this site. So, I have to go to my e-mail, where they have helpfully e-mailed me a copy of the receipt (probably for this exact reason) to get the serial number.

I then go back to the download page only to discover that I am required to use their stupid download manager in order to download the product I just bought. There is no alternative option whatsoever. So I download their stupid download manager and it magically installs itself somewhere on my computer I will likely never be able to find because it never asked my permission to do anything, and then demands that I log in. Well, obviously, I don’t have a log in, and no one asked me to register until now, so I go to register, which helpfully opens my web browser to register… on a forum. Well, ok, so I register on the forum with a randomly generated password, and activate my account.

So naturally, they then e-mail my password back to me, which by definition means they are storing it in plaintext. So now the password to my account was sent over an unencrypted, entirely open channel, which is insanely stupid, but this is just a sample library, so whatever. I go back to their download manager and put in my credentials and… the login fails. Well, maybe it takes a bit to propagate - no, it just isn’t working. I try again, and triple check that I have the password right. I log out and back into the forum with that very same password, and it still works. It just doesn’t work in the application.

Standard procedure at this point is for me to take every single weird punctuation character out of my password (making it much weaker) to address the possibility that these people are pants on head retarded and can’t handle a password with punctuation in it. I change my password to an alphanumeric one, and lo and behold, I can suddenly log in to the download manager! Let’s think about this for a moment. The password I used had some punctuation characters in it (like “!&#*@(?” etc.), but in order to make sure it was still a valid password, I logged in to the forum with that password, and it succeeded. I then went to this application and put in the same password and it failed to log me in, which means the program actually only accepts some random subset of all valid passwords that the forum lets you register with.

This is laughably bad programming, but my woes aren’t over yet. I click the download button only to get this incredibly helpful message: “Cannot connect to download servers.” Pissed off, I go play a game in the hopes that once I get back, the servers will work again. I close the game only to discover that my download manager is one giant grey screen no matter what i do to it. It’s forgotten how to draw it’s own UI at this point. I restart the program, and it has (of course) helpfully forgotten my login credentials. This time, it displays a EULA it apparently forgot to show me the first time around, and once I accept, clicking install successfully starts downloading the files!

Of course, once the files are installed, they aren’t actually installed installed. I have to go into Kontakt and add the libraries to it’s magical library in order for them to actually get recognized. I can’t tell if this is AudioBro’s fault or Native Instruments fault, but at this point I don’t care, because this has already become the worst installation experience of any piece of software I have had to go through in my entire life.

What’s frightening is that this is par for the course across the desolate wasteland that is Audio Sample Libraries. The entire audio engineering industry employs draconian and ultimately ineffective DRM security measures, often bundled with installers that look like they were written in 1998 and never updated. The entire industry uses software that is grotesquely bloated, digging it’s filthy claws into my operating system and doing all sorts of unspeakable things, and there is no way out.

You can’t disrupt this field, because samples rule everything. If you have good samples, people will buy your shitty sample libraries. EastWest moved from Kontakt (which is a pretty shitty piece of software considering it’s the best sampler in the entire industry) to their own proprietary PLAY engine, which is unstable, bloated, entirely dependent on ASIO4ALL to even work, and prone to crashing. They still make tons of money, because they have the best orchestral samples, which means people will put up with their incredibly bad sampler just so they can use their samples, which are all in a proprietary format that will get you violently sued if you attempt to reverse engineer it.

So, even if you develop the best sampler in the world, it won’t matter, because without samples, your software is dead on arrival. Almost all the samples that are worth having come in proprietary formats that your program can’t understand, and no one can convert these samples to another format (unless they want to reverse engineer the program and get sued, that is). So now the entire sampling industry is locked in a oligopoly of competing samplers that refuse to talk to each other, thus crushing competition by making the cost of entrance so prohibitively high no one can possibly compete with them. And then you get this shit.